It’s the End of the World and Your Portfolio Knows It
Spoiler alert: it’s easier for cockroaches and Twinkies to survive nuclear winter than your meme stocks. But since you’re probably checking your brokerage app one last time before doomsday, let’s crunch those numbers anyway.
Because Even Doom Needs a Spreadsheet
Our highly rigorous scientific approach consisted of one dartboard, two blindfolded interns, a dusty Bloomberg terminal, and extensive consultation with seven prepper Reddit threads and a hedge fund astrologer named Moonbeam.
To keep things clear: 0% means “Game Over,” and 100% means the market outlives humanity, possibly trading with sentient robots or mutated radioactive squirrels.
Doomsday Scenarios & Survival Percentages
| Scenario | Core Failure Point | Chance NYSE Still Rings Bell |
|---|---|---|
| Asteroid the Size of Manhattan | Instant planetary vaporization | 0% (Sorry, Bitcoin bros.) |
| Global Thermonuclear Exchange | EMP fries every server on Earth | 2% (Only if bunker Wi-Fi survives.) |
| Bio-engineered Super-Plague | Trader Joe’s line becomes global contagion vector | 15% (All-remote, hazmat casual.) |
| Runaway Climate Chaos | Exchange floor under 3 feet of seawater | 28% (Trades settled via kayak.) |
| AI Overlord Coup | NASDAQ reboots as Skynet’s dashboard | 64% (Bots still crave validation from traders.) |
| Slow-Burn Sociopolitical Collapse | Government gone but Wi-Fi surprisingly robust | 83% (Renamed “Barter-Hub”.) |
If the Ticker Still Ticks: A Day-in-the-Life of an Apocalypse Exchange
Infrastructure
Forget Wall Street’s skyscrapers. Trades are now executed from reinforced caves and basements located somewhere beneath NORAD. Servers are powered by stationary bikes manned by unpaid interns fueled exclusively by caffeine-free Red Bull and existential dread.
Currency & Settlement
Shares aren’t priced in dollars—they’re now denominated in kilowatt-hours, antibiotics, and freeze-dried mac-n-cheese futures. Blockchain? Sure, assuming chainsaw-powered validators confirm transactions.
Hot Sectors
- WaterCorp (ticker: H₂ OMG) is up 900% today as dehydration futures spike.
- LeadArmor Inc. (ticker: BULET) announces a 50-for-1 stock fractionalization, because whole shares are too expensive.
- RoachBurgers Ltd. (ticker: CRNCH) reports record profits due to robust margins in the “alternative protein” sector.
Investor Behavior
“HODL” has been officially rebranded to “Hold On, Doom’s Looming.” Insider trading is now completely literal—if you’re inside the bunker, you trade first. Also, margin calls are delivered by armed drone strike.
Regulation & Compliance
The SEC (Scorched Earth Commission) announces new Rule 10-B(unker): insider information is allowed if transmitted via Geiger-counter-rated walkie-talkies. Compliance is enforced by roving bands of regulators in hazmat suits.
The Philosophical After-Hours Session
If a dividend is declared in a radioactive wasteland and no one survives to reinvest, did it ever truly compound? Is the market humanity’s final security blanket or just a comforting illusion we cling to as civilization spirals into chaos?
Call to Action: Because Content Marketing Never Dies
Don’t forget to smash that fallout-proof subscribe button. Act now and receive a limited-edition irradiated bull and bear figurine set—guaranteed to glow in your bunker for generations!
Disclaimer: Read Before the Internet Melts
This post is satire and is definitely not financial advice. Percentages provided are approximate, entirely rigged, or possibly both. Consult a licensed financial advisor, survivalist, or existential therapist before reallocating your investments into doom-resilient canned-goods ETFs. Past performance during non-apocalyptic eras does not guarantee future performance, particularly when comets or AI rebellions are involved.
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